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~* ♥ sunday, 14 may, 2023 ♥ *~

the (almost) 39-year old man had a freakout at me. he was being pushy, trying to talk about sex, i didn't feel like playing into his fantasies so i wasn't responding the way he had hoped and it pissed him off. he was so mean to me, i cried and convinced myself he'd get rid of me. he was so inconsiderate and selfish. i kind of hate him a lot, but i still want him. what hurt me even more is that he didn't even apologize. that's all i wanted him to do. i wanted him to tell me how sorry he was for hurting my feelings and scaring me. i want him to take care of me. he says he wants to be my dad. i've been working on my tan the past few days and all i think about while i'm out there laying on my blanket is how he should be there watching me, like the scene where humbert first sees dolores in lolita.

~* ♥ thursday, 20 april, 2023 ♥ *~

so my mom might have breast cancer. i cried a lot when she told me 2 days ago. i could hear her crying too. i don't know what to do. tomorrow is her birthday but i've been really sick recently so i haven't been able to go out and get her a gift. i'll make her a birthday card tonight though. forget my last talking stage, i'm in a new one now, with a 38-year old man. he turns 39 in like 2 months so he's 20 years older than me. it's so self-destructive of me to end up in a power dynmaic like this but i can't help it, he knows exactly what to say and he knows exactly what i want to hear. he's letting me feel in control but i know that's how they get you. i'm already stuck. i feel bad, because there's this other guy who's 24 and we've been talking for a while too. last night he said he really likes me. why does everyone always want me? i don't see how i'm so desirable. we're very similar. it's almost insane how similar we are. but i don't know what to do. i like him too, but it feels like the kind of thing where you're just meant to be passers-by in each other's lives.

~* ♥ tuesday, 26 march, 2023 ♥ *~

my ex won't stop pestering me. he was my first boyfriend, we broke up like a month ago. he keeps trying to guilt me into getting back together, this morning i woke up to 30 notifications from him on discord. so pathetic. since yesterday i've binged total drama island on netflix, i'm a bit hyperfixated on it right now. i've also been starving myself lately. i barely feel hunger anymore.

~* ♥ wednesday, 22 march, 2023 ♥ *~

today i sent in my uni applications, to 5 different programs. i hope i get into criminology! last night i watched american horror story with my current talking stage via discord. i've seen the show many times before, so now i'm sharing it with him. he thinks it's very weird and he's right, i never realized how much happens in every episode of murder house. there's so much going on at all times. i'm worried because we were supposed to watch another episode, but then he went to the bathroom and when he came back he felt off. i've convinced myself he wants me dead. i asked him more than once if he was alright and if i did anything wrong, he said he was just tired but i think it was such a shift. we just sat quietly for a long time, didn't watch another episode. i just listened to the sound of him typing on his keyboard. then he said "i'm going to bed" and we said goodnight, he hung up really fast. i'm so scared of people leaving me, i really hope this was just nothing and that he really was only tired. my face is itching all the time, i think i'm having a bad reaction to one of my skincare or makeup products.

~* ♥ sunday, 19 march, 2023 ♥ *~

i've had this site sitting dormant for over a year, not really knowing what to make of it. i finally settled on a layout and a theme that i'm very happy with. the past two days i've been listening to ennio morricone - love in the morning on repeat. i rewatched lolita for the first time since i was 14 and i fell in love with the soundtrack all over again. the story will always make me feel repulsed and sad, but ennio morricone's music is amazing. it felt kind of weird to rewatch lolita as an "adult". i'm still a teenager but i'm 19 now. i'm supposed to be grown, but i still felt exactly the same as when i first saw it from the start of the movie to the credits. nothing in me will ever justify the actions of humbert humbert, but something in me will always want someone like him (obviously minus the pedo stuff). the first time i watched lolita i saw myself in dolores, i was only 14 years old and being groomed by grown men online. men who promised they would take care of me, men who tried to insert themselves as father figures in my life. and i let them, because i was alone and desperately wanted someone to replace what my own dad never gave me. looking back i realize this was stupid. back then i thought i was in control, i thought that my self-awareness of the situation meant i couldn't be a victim of grooming but that's exactly what made me one. i'm older and i still need someone to fill that role. i wish i'd grown out of this feeling. i wish i could watch lolita and not feel a longing to be her, a girl with no responsibilities relying on someone who's supposed to take care of her. this is my curse as a girl with a deadbeat dad. i don't want to sound ignorant. i was in a position vaguely similar to that of dolores in real life, ironically around the same age she is in the book (12). my mom's boyfriend at the time molested me when i was about 10-12 years old. two years of this hell left me permanently scarred. mentally i'm stuck there sometimes. mentally i'm still that little girl who needs someone.